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Some 500 years ago, a man, woman, and child were forcibly removed from their homeland. They were the first family of millions to be taken from Africa, shackled, beaten, and stripped of their rituals, religions, and basic sense of humanity. Families were often arbitrarily torn apart for monetary gain. Children were sold away, not raised by their parents. This cycle would continue legally until 1865, subconsciously even to present day.
Throughout the institution of slavery, a man’s value was placed on his physical strength. The broader their shoulders, the bigger their muscles the better workers they would make. Many slave owners took their strongest and biggest enslaved male Africans and treated them as any owner of horses would treat their best stallion—put him in a room and hope that the mating would be successful.
Millions of African and African American men fathered children they never saw, never knew existed or even worse, interacted with daily and could not tell them that they were their fathers. The structure of the African American family unit was annihilated. This created a rift within the legacy of African American fatherhood. Marriage was not allowed between slaves, which helped many owners further the cause of using one man to create an army of slaves. African American studies scholars Delores P. Aldridge and Carlene Young state that the “imbalance, alienation and non-cohesion” within many African American homes presently can be identified as a “collective post-traumatic stress disorder” of the prolonged campaign of dehumanization within America.
According to a 2008 American Community Survey conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau, 63% of African-American households are spearheaded by single moms. Although popular forms of media have addressed the disappointment associated with the absentee African American father, they rarely depict the process by which a relationship is established, or can be established, between a father and child when the two reconcile.
Below are memoirs and personal accounts some daughters experienced with their fathers. Some famous, some not, some traumatic, some exhilarating but all, nonetheless, a part of our history.
Daughters of Men: Portraits of African American Women and Their Fathers
By: Rachel Vassel
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers, 2007
Pages: 192
Vassel compiles more than 40 personal essays from pop icon Beyonce Knowles, actresses Sanaa Lathan (Love and Basketball) and Malinda Williams (Soul Food, 2000-2004), entertainment moguls Cathy Hughes (TV ONE) and Tracey Edmonds (Edmonds Entertainment Group, Inc.), and Harlem’s Studio Museum curator Thelma Golden among others detailing the relationships they have (or had) with their loving fathers. Each intimate account showcases a present, supportive, and wise father figure. Each testimonial is accompanied by a photo of the specific father and daughter as tangible evidence that positive relationships can and do exist between African American women and their fathers.
Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History
By: Danzy Senna
Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009
Pages: 208
Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History uses a child’s perspective to uncover the story of her father’s past. Senna honestly describes the events that created the dysfunctional relationship she and her father share and how her trip through the Deep South gave her a better understanding of her father. In order to paint a vivid picture of both of her parents, Senna also includes her mother’s familial history—a history that is well documented and intertwined with Boston’s industrialization. The daughter of two writers, an African American poet and Irish-American poet, and an accomplished writer in her own right, Senna relays each incident with just enough information to continuously engage the reader and allows the reader to reach his or her own conclusions. She employs fragments as a powerful storytelling technique rather than listing her memories in chronological order which makes the book stand out from other memoirs and hard to follow at times. Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History describes one daughter’s journey to find the missing pieces of her father’s past and in many ways to find a piece of herself.
Jokes My Father Never Taught Me
By: Rain Pryor & Cathy Williams
Publisher: HarperCollins, 2006
Pages: 224
Pryor gives a loving, yet prosaic glimpse into her childhood with comedy icon and her father, Richard Pryor. Pryor briefly examines the difference between her father’s African American heritage and her mother’s Jewish heritage throughout the memoir as a larger critique of racism within America. Pryor adds an intimate aspect to the memoir as she describes the challenges she faced trying to define herself between the two. Through humor and bitterness, Pryor describes her father’s periodic presence within her life, the evolution of their relationship and the ever-present entourage of Richard Pryor’s girlfriends, and other wives. Pryor uses this village of women and their interactions with her father as the foundation for the relationship she had with him. Pryor also addresses incidents of child abuse, sexual molestation, and self-esteem issues.
Fathering Words: The Making of an African American Writer
By: E. Ethelbert Miller & E.E. Miller
Publisher: St. Martin’s Press, 2001
Pages: 192
In this riveting account of loss and triumph, E. Ethelbert Miller chronicles his life following the death of his father and older brother. Miller focuses on the internal and external factors which help to create an African American writer and more importantly, the influence parents have in their children’s lives. Miller employs unwavering love and profound bitterness to describe this coming of age story. A poet, Miller, uses vivid imagery and figurative language to depict his experiences without getting bogged down in elaboration.
Angela’s Ashes
By: Frank McCourt
Publisher: Scribner, 1999
Pages: 364
In this enthralling masterpiece, McCourt tells the story of his childhood, beginning when his family is forced to relocate back to their homeland of Ireland due to family struggles brought on by his father’s alcoholism and financial challenges. McCourt writes from the perspective of an adolescent examining the world unfold around him instead of an adult remembering past experiences which makes the memoir unique. McCourt does not sugar coat any experience nor does he shy away from graphic details. McCourt beautifully depicts his alcoholic father’s unresponsiveness to his family’s suffering and his mother’s heroic, yet feeble attempts to bring stability to their family and his financial struggle to return to America—the land where his dreams can become reality. The book was a New York Times Bestseller and the film adaptation was released in the same year as its publication.
The Tender Bar: A Memoir
By: J.R. Moehringer
Publisher: Hyperion, 2005
Pages: 368
Pulitzer Prize winning author J.R. Moehringer recounts his childhood in Manhasset, Long Island in this touching memoir. Moehringer describes needing an escape from his grandparent’s abusive marriage and dysfunctional household and his need for a substitute father since his own father abandoned him shortly following his birth. He finds comfort and a slew of father figures at the corner bar, Dickens. Moehringer moves through his initial overwhelmed state to a “regular” visitor at the bar. He employs vivid, elaborate descriptions of the bar’s patrons, which capture the reader and cause them to become emotionally attached to the patron’s dreams and aspirations. The Tender Bar: A Memoir tells of the creation of a surrogate family and how that family guided the future of its youngest member through rituals and kind gestures.
(*2011)
Here’s to a better experience for the next generation:
As a grape, you are sought after.
Raisins envy you because you are full of life.
You are bright, round and gorgeous.
They are dried up and in need of love.
You could never be friends with a raisin.
They are ill equipped to love you because they inherently hate themselves.
The only way for you to be friends with a raisin is to become one of them:
Void of sunshine and peace,
Depleted of love and joy,
Absent of greatness and laughter,
Filled with anger and agony.
Remember when you befriended a raisin? There you were, a beautiful grape who saw a lonely raisin and only wanted to care for him.
You wanted to make him happy, see him smile more
so you opened your arms and your heart to him.
You shared your joys and your loves with him in an attempt to make him feel some of what you felt as a grape.
His nature, as a raisin, kept him from appreciating these sacrifices. Instead, he pushed and sucked and pinched you until you were no longer the beautiful round grape of old. He beat you into a raisin. Made you feel just as inferior and just as lacking as him.
Weeks and weeks went by. Your grape friends finally found you among the heaps and droves of other destitute raisins. They carried your limp and lifeless body and nursed you back into the gorgeous grape you once were with doses of love, shots of joy, hours of peace, and a large prescription of happiness. In time, you eventually returned to your joyous plump state.
While on a journey, you ran across the raisin and remembered the good times you spent together. Your memories made you feel love and guilt simultaneously. The raisin, now filled with hate and resentment, because you left him wanted nothing to do with you. He barely acknowledged your existence. You wanted to be angry, too. You wanted to yell at him and make him remember all of the things you’d given up for him but you soon realized that he would never understand. He couldn’t.
He’s a raisin.
When Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terell belted out this timeless love song in 1967, Method Man and Mary J. Blige weren’t even thought of yet. A year later, when the Motown machine released this epic love song that mind you stayed at number one on the R&B/Soul Singles Chart for five weeks, Method and Mary still weren’t in the picture. (Both were born in 1971.) No factors alluded to or made their 1995 remake seemed destined. Or, some would think.
Marvin Gaye and Method Man were born in April; both had very public turbulent moments with their wives; both dealt with drugs (Marvin was addicted to them and Method Man sold them). Likewise, Tammi Terrell and Mary J. Blige have shared experiences. For instance, sadly, both were molested at very early ages, signed to major record labels while still in their teens, and involved in multiple abusive romantic relationships. Despite all the negativity surrounding them, these artists are considered to be among the greatest of all time. Their singular contribution and subsequent remix changed R&B and redefined the perimeters of Hip-Hop.
First, let us consider the masterpiece that is the original song, “You’re All I Need to Get By.” Penned by dynamic couple Nick Ashford and Valerie Simpson, the 2:38 soulful duet that captures an audience with its first four chords might not have been recorded. At the time, a wheelchair bound Tammi Terrell was recovering from brain surgery on the malignant tumor that would later claim her life at the age of 24. With their seamless harmony and spot on ad-libs, no one (outside of industry engineers and others with keen hearing abilities) could have guessed that Gaye and Terrell recorded the song separately and that their vocals were later mixed in!
“You’re All I Need to Get By” became a staple for which a duet’s success would be measured. The song’s simple, yet masterful lyrics placed carefully over the expressive and spirit filled music provide a universal appeal to a global audience. Themes of sacrifice, true commitment, and desire create the recipe for a perfect love that would make any Disney princess swoon. “Like the sweet morning dew/ I took one look at you/ And it was plain to see/ you were my destiny” can be likened to Shakespeare—a complete and utter surrender to another based on first attractions and ideals of fate. Marvin Gaye’s sultry tenor and Tammi Terrell’s effortless soprano combine to create an undeniable fusion of passion and honesty. Their voices bring the words to life and make the impossible seem attainable. This very sentiment is echoed in the second verse, “Darling in you I found/ Strength where I was torn down/ Don’t know what’s in store but together we can open any door.”
The same is true of 1995’s Method Man and Mary J. Blige remake “I’ll Be There For You/ You’re All I Need To Get By”. Just as Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell set new heights for R&B, Method Man and Mary J. Blige challenged audiences to re-examine their definition of love and Hip-Hop. (No pun intended.) In a time when social norms and most rap videos were geared toward men having hypersexualized encounters with multiple women, men degrading women, and a slew of other non-committal images, Method Man set a new standard for male rappers. He made it not only acceptable, but dare I say sexy for a man to declare his love for one woman in a world that often turns a deaf ear on monogamy.
Method Man begins his declaration as if in response to an ultimatum of some sort. His initial word choice suggests that he is trying to persuade and convince his love that he can (and will be) the man she needs him to be in her life. “Shorty, I’m there for you anytime you need me/ For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me,” he sternly delivers. This of course is back when rappers rapped and singers sung, but make no mistake that Method’s use of his lower tone can be argued as another tool used to convey his sincerity. He goes on to comment on her loyalty and how appreciative he is in the next lyrics. “Back when I was nothin’/ You made a brother feel like he was somethin’/ That’s why I’m with you to this day boo, no frontin’.” Additionally, Method Man slyly addresses the fact that many people get caught up on outward expressions on love, rather than defining their status by their words and actions. He says, “ Word life you don’t need a ring to be my wife/ Just be there for me and Ima make sure we be/ living in the effin lap of luxury…And I got mad love to give.” Method Man brings the power of the word back into the forefront of one’s mind. What are we if our words to one another are nothing more than small ploys with no action?
Similarly, Mary J. Blige belts out a gritty rendition of the chorus, but her interpretation is not without merit. Her words, slow and deliberate, soulful and agonizing, convey the pain of an unappreciated woman who probably packed her bags before Method Man sat down next to her and began this announcement to her. Known for her ability to convey her raw emotions through a song and her voice’s uncanny ability to relate hurt and sorrow, no one else could have pulled off this remake as successfully as the Queen of Hip-Hop soul.
Method Man saves his best lines for the third verse. Commenting on her physical stature, because as loving and devoted a man as he claims to be in this song, he’s still a man. As a visual being, he alludes to his attraction to her physical body with, “I got a love jones for your body and your skin tone/ Five minutes alone I’m already on the bone.” However, his appreciation of her mental assets and his dedication to remain faithful are showcased just as boldly in, “…I love the fact you got a mind of your own/No need to shop around you got that good stuff at home.” Method Man concludes his proclamation with the single most powerful hit to materialistic audiences swept away with performing ritualistic obligations on so-called “romantic holidays” and indirectly jabs those whom choose to be unfaithful (both male and female) with the following:
I’m your Mister, you my Mrs. With hugs and kisses
Valentine cards and birthday wishes? Please
Be on another level of planning, of understanding
the bond between man and woman, and child
The highest elevation, ‘cause we above
All that romance crap, just show your love.
These chart topping and award winning songs (Method Man and Mary J. Blige’s remake won the Grammy Award for Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group in 1996) are monumental because they make true love believable. Marvin and Tammi and Method and Mary make you believe their words resonate not only for their characters in song, but that those same words, those same decrees, those same candid messages of sacrifice and dedication can be applied to your life if only you will give true love a chance. Call me naïve if you want, but these songs have lasting ability for the simple fact that they connected with someone else in California or Philadelphia or Illinois or Florida or Texas or Europe or China or Africa who felt the same thing the first time they heard them. We are conditioned to get lost in the romance of the moment or the huge glorious gestures that we do or do not receive, but in the wise words of Method Man, “just show your love.” The rest will fall in place.
Now, ladies. Go find your hoodies (and a wall) and let’s reenact this one with Mary!
secondset 