GONE – Music Video by Love-Logiq

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THE OTHER WOMAN: A Short Film

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Black Fathers & Daughters: Our History, Our Words

Some 500 years ago, a man, woman, and child were forcibly removed from their homeland. They were the first family of millions to be taken from Africa, shackled, beaten, and stripped of their rituals, religions, and basic sense of humanity. Families were often arbitrarily torn apart for monetary gain. Children were sold away, not raised by their parents. This cycle would continue legally until 1865, subconsciously even to present day.

Throughout the institution of slavery, a man’s value was placed on his physical strength. The broader their shoulders, the bigger their muscles the better workers they would make. Many slave owners took their strongest and biggest enslaved male Africans and treated them as any owner of horses would treat their best stallion—put him in a room and hope that the mating would be successful.

Millions of African and African American men fathered children they never saw, never knew existed or even worse, interacted with daily and could not tell them that they were their fathers. The structure of the African American family unit was annihilated. This created a rift within the legacy of African American fatherhood. Marriage was not allowed between slaves, which helped many owners further the cause of using one man to create an army of slaves. African American studies scholars Delores P. Aldridge and Carlene Young state that the “imbalance, alienation and non-cohesion” within many African American homes presently can be identified as a “collective post-traumatic stress disorder” of the prolonged campaign of dehumanization within America.

According to a 2008 American Community Survey conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau, 63% of African-American households are spearheaded by single moms. Although popular forms of media have addressed the disappointment associated with the absentee African American father, they rarely depict the process by which a relationship is established, or can be established, between a father and child when the two reconcile.

Below are memoirs and personal accounts some daughters experienced with their fathers. Some famous, some not, some traumatic, some exhilarating but all, nonetheless, a part of our history.

Daughters of Men: Portraits of African American Women and Their Fathers

By: Rachel Vassel

Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers, 2007

Pages: 192

Vassel compiles more than 40 personal essays from pop icon Beyonce Knowles, actresses Sanaa Lathan (Love and Basketball) and Malinda Williams (Soul Food, 2000-2004), entertainment moguls Cathy Hughes (TV ONE) and Tracey Edmonds (Edmonds Entertainment Group, Inc.), and Harlem’s Studio Museum curator Thelma Golden among others detailing the relationships they have (or had) with their loving fathers. Each intimate account showcases a present, supportive, and wise father figure. Each testimonial is accompanied by a photo of the specific father and daughter as tangible evidence that positive relationships can and do exist between African American women and their fathers.

 

Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History

By: Danzy Senna

Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2009

Pages: 208

Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History uses a child’s perspective to uncover the story of her father’s past. Senna honestly describes the events that created the dysfunctional relationship she and her father share and how her trip through the Deep South gave her a better understanding of her father. In order to paint a vivid picture of both of her parents, Senna also includes her mother’s familial history—a history that is well documented and intertwined with Boston’s industrialization. The daughter of two writers, an African American poet and Irish-American poet, and an accomplished writer in her own right, Senna relays each incident with just enough information to continuously engage the reader  and allows the reader to reach his or her own conclusions. She employs fragments as a powerful storytelling technique rather than listing her memories in chronological order which makes the book stand out from other memoirs and hard to follow at times. Where Did You Sleep Last Night?: A Personal History  describes one daughter’s journey to find the missing pieces of her father’s past and in many ways to find a piece of herself.

 

Jokes My Father Never Taught Me

By: Rain Pryor & Cathy Williams

Publisher: HarperCollins, 2006

Pages: 224

Pryor gives a loving, yet prosaic glimpse into her childhood with comedy icon and her father, Richard Pryor.  Pryor briefly examines the difference between her father’s African American heritage and her mother’s Jewish heritage throughout the memoir as a larger critique of racism within America. Pryor adds an intimate aspect to the memoir as she describes the challenges she faced trying to define herself between the two. Through humor and bitterness, Pryor describes her father’s periodic presence within her life, the evolution of their relationship and the ever-present entourage of Richard Pryor’s girlfriends, and other wives. Pryor uses this village of women and their interactions with her father as the foundation for the relationship she had with him. Pryor also addresses incidents of child abuse, sexual molestation, and self-esteem issues.

 

Fathering Words: The Making of an African American Writer

By: E. Ethelbert Miller & E.E. Miller

Publisher: St. Martin’s Press, 2001

Pages: 192

In this riveting account of loss and triumph, E. Ethelbert Miller chronicles his life following the death of his father and older brother. Miller focuses on the internal and external factors which help to create an African American writer and more importantly, the influence parents have in their children’s lives. Miller employs unwavering love and profound bitterness to describe this coming of age story. A poet, Miller, uses vivid imagery and figurative language to depict his experiences without getting bogged down in elaboration.

 

Angela’s Ashes

By: Frank McCourt

Publisher: Scribner, 1999

Pages: 364

In this enthralling masterpiece, McCourt tells the story of his childhood, beginning when his family is forced to relocate back to their homeland of Ireland due to family struggles brought on by his father’s alcoholism and financial challenges. McCourt writes from the perspective of an adolescent examining the world unfold around him instead of an adult remembering past experiences which makes the memoir unique. McCourt does not sugar coat any experience nor does he shy away from graphic details. McCourt beautifully depicts his alcoholic father’s unresponsiveness to his family’s suffering and his mother’s heroic, yet feeble attempts to bring stability to their family and his financial struggle to return to America—the land where his dreams can become reality. The book was a New York Times Bestseller and the film adaptation was released in the same year as its publication.

 

The Tender Bar: A Memoir

By: J.R. Moehringer

Publisher: Hyperion, 2005

Pages: 368

Pulitzer Prize winning author J.R. Moehringer recounts his childhood in Manhasset, Long Island in this touching memoir. Moehringer describes needing an escape from his grandparent’s abusive marriage and dysfunctional household and his need for a substitute father since his own father abandoned him shortly following his birth. He finds comfort and a slew of father figures at the corner bar, Dickens. Moehringer moves through his initial overwhelmed state to a “regular” visitor at the bar. He employs vivid, elaborate descriptions of the bar’s patrons, which capture the reader and cause them to become emotionally attached to the patron’s dreams and aspirations.  The Tender Bar: A Memoir tells of the creation of a surrogate family and how that family guided the future of its youngest member through rituals and kind gestures.

(*2011) 

Here’s to a better experience for the next generation:

 

 

 

What If? – ‘Whitley & Dwayne’

What if Whitley married Senator Douglas?

My first glimpse of college did not come from a tour of the local campus or from the nostalgia of a baby picture of me wrapped in a certain school’s sweatshirt. I first experienced college life while watching reruns of NBC’s hit sitcom A Different World.

A spin-off from the wildly popular The Cosby Show, the story line centered on two college students trying to find their way through life and adulthood while attending fictitious Hillman University. Main characters Denise Huxtable and Dwayne Wayne (Lisa Bonet and Kadeem Hardison) dated but Denise never warmed to Dwayne’s goofy and loving personality. Following Bonet’s departure from the show, writer’s shifted focus to a budding relationship between Dwayne and spoiled Southern Belle Whitley Gilbert (Jasmine Guy).

Fast forward a few years later and Whitley and Dwayne were getting married, but Dwayne’s uncertainty halts their impending nuptials. As with most shows, their relationship was strained to boost ratings and enter Whitley’s dream man here, Senator Byron Douglas (Joe Morton).  A melting pot of ambition, status, passion, and stamped with her family’s approval, the Senator made Whitley’s every wish a reality. Throw in a few episodes of her trying to work alongside Dwayne on the good Senator’s campaign trail, not to mention the cheating episode where she slept with Dwayne and lied to the Senator and you have quality programming at its best!

Whitley’s dream was to marry a man who would support her, mostly financially since her world revolves around money, and who better fit than a Senator? Leading up to the ceremony, it seems that we’d seen the final chapter in the Dwayne/Whitley saga. That is until this moment. Click here: Dwayne’s Proposal

But, what if it never happened?

What if Whitley rejected Dwayne’s passionate and shocking (and completely disrespectful if you were apart of the Douglas family) request?

If she had, she would have every tangible item her little heart ever feigned. The status she desperately sought would be hers. The months we spent watching her live in poverty, selling her clothes for rent money and wearing the same dress twice in one week would be erased because the Senator provided her every wish. If Whitley had married Senator Douglas, she would have made the practical decision—marrying for financial stability instead of marrying for love. But is it that easy to choose practicality when your heart is elsewhere?

Let us consider the positives first. Money. Whitley would have the life she was accustomed too. She would never want for anything. She could waste money on frivolous things better than Diddy and the entire Bad Boy legion circa 1998! Bad Boy Production complete with flying money, literally!

Status. Country clubs, spa days. Whitley would be one of the top Trophy Wives.

And would you blame her? Guilt her? Or fault her for making such a decision? Sure you would, but would it matter? No. She wouldn’t even notice you on the other side of her $3,000 Louis Vuitton sunglasses. (Hey, Tamar!!)

Maybe it would have been better for her to refuse both men and become a single Black woman in America.

Angela Stanley shares her views on what it means to be “Black, Female and Single” in this New York Times op-ed. (Link to “Black, Female and Single”). I agree with her assessment of the modern Black woman’s quest for higher education and the decreasing population of Black men on college campuses across the nation. How are we supposed to find “Mr. Right” between writing 15-page research papers, studying for our Anatomy practicum, and running BSU? Not to mention coordinating the student/faculty mixer and spending atleast 25 hours at our work study jobs. But, Whitley didn’t have that problem so back to the drawing board.

Now, on to the negatives. If Whitley had decided to marry Senator Douglas, she might be the Black version of Will & Grace’s Karen Walker (Megan Mullally). Karen Drinking There is a growing number of alcoholic Stepford wives in our society who have yet to reach their individual potential because they swim to the bottom of any available wine bottle and reside there for months, years, decades.

Boredom. Whitley spent 20 years being spoiled and living a privileged life. We watched her evolve from dependent to independent, snobby to socially engaged, ignorant to intrigued, naïve to worldly. To deny her personal developments and revert back to the Whitley of old would only do her a disservice.

Surely, from a financial and economical standpoint, Senator Douglas is the better choice on paper, but no one could love her quite like Dwayne. He didn’t just love her; he understood her and all of her quirks. If you ever watched the show, you know she had several.  Maybe Whitley realized that while standing in front of her family and friends. Maybe, in a flash, she saw the next 50 years of her life and knew that no matter what, as long as Dwayne stood by her side, money and status would never amount to the bliss they’d have together.

Like Ms. Stanley, I’m living the single life. In due time, my Dwayne will show his face. I’m not going on a quest for him and I’m not going to activate a beacon with his sign and I’m definitely not going to gather a group and try to summon him with potions, spells, and other tricks. As the lyrics go, “What will be, will be.” Just look at Whitley’s situation. You can head to the church with the intention to marry a Senator and end up leaving married to a dedicated and ambitious schoolteacher.

Feel the love here: Whitley & Dwayne – the saga

how to become a raisin

As a grape, you are sought after.
Raisins envy you because you are full of life.
You are bright, round and gorgeous.
They are dried up and in need of love.
You could never be friends with a raisin.
They are ill equipped to love you because they inherently hate themselves.
The only way for you to be friends with a raisin is to become one of them:
Void of sunshine and peace,
Depleted of love and joy,
Absent of greatness and laughter,
Filled with anger and agony.
Remember when you befriended a raisin? There you were, a beautiful grape who saw a lonely raisin and only wanted to care for him.
You wanted to make him happy, see him smile more

so you opened your arms and your heart to him.
You shared your joys and your loves with him in an attempt to make him feel some of what you felt as a grape.
His nature, as a raisin, kept him from appreciating these sacrifices. Instead, he pushed and sucked and pinched you until you were no longer the beautiful round grape of old. He beat you into a raisin. Made you feel just as inferior and just as lacking as him.

Weeks and weeks went by. Your grape friends finally found you among the heaps and droves of other destitute raisins. They carried your limp and lifeless body and nursed you back into the gorgeous grape you once were with doses of love, shots of joy, hours of peace, and a large prescription of happiness. In time, you eventually returned to your joyous plump state.
While on a journey, you ran across the raisin and remembered the good times you spent together. Your memories made you feel love and guilt simultaneously. The raisin, now filled with hate and resentment, because you left him wanted nothing to do with you. He barely acknowledged your existence. You wanted to be angry, too. You wanted to yell at him and make him remember all of the things you’d given up for him but you soon realized that he would never understand. He couldn’t.

He’s a raisin.